2016... you were a pain in my toe.

2016… you were the ingrown toenail that started stealth like a ninja, came out swinging machetes with some crazy Kill Bill bullshit and then disappeared into the mist.

….

I’ve been reading everybody’s posts about 2016, and I’m really sad/happy for everything that you have all experienced. I’m whole heartedly sorry for all of the loss you have incurred with the passing of loved ones, household, financial and political stresses, health issues and relationship woes. I’m equally happy for all of you who got married, moved forward in your career, had a baby, got pregnant, adopted a pet, found new love and overall found yourselves this past year! (Yay you!!)

It’s funny. I was vaguely aware that there was a huge online campaign trending with #fuck2016, but I didn’t really acknowledge it until Veronica caught me off-guard one night.

V: “Momma… Why does everyone hate 2016?” she asked. (Thank you YouTube).

Me: “Umm… I guess because a lot of people have had a very hard year sweetie. A lot of people have suffered huge loss. There has been fighting and war and terrorism and a lot of people who were famous died.”

V: “And Donald Trump won?”

Me: “Yes. And America voted for Trump.”

V: (Thinking very hard) “But I’ve had a great 2016!”

Me: I’m glad you think so my Angel.

…

Isn’t it amazing to hear those words come out of an innocent 6 year-old’s mouth? Day-to-day she may complain about taking the bus, or going to school, or what shirt she would rather be wearing, or tell us that we are the-worst-parents-ever-because-we-made-her-a-turkey-sub-instead-of-a-ham-one-and-make-her-go-to-bed-at-a-reasonable-time-and-her-show-isn’t-done-yet. But what greater gift can your child give you but to say that, in their humble opinion, they think they’ve had a great year. Even when you really haven’t.

I know there are a LOT of people upset with the amount of celebrity deaths that happened in 2016. And WOW, there were a lot. Personally? Not affected. I still have their music to listen to, their movies to watch… they have been IMMORTILIZED. (I admit that Robin Williams’ death had an unexpected impact on me in 2014, but cummon, he was Robin Williams!)

Celebrities may not matter much to me, but my friends and family do. I am happy to say that we suffered very little loss this year. I don’t think we went to a single funeral. Big difference than 2015 where we lost many loved ones. That being said, our little family suffered in a different way.

Do you ever look at your life and realize how cyclical it is? Sparing all details, Brad and I found ourselves in a very familiar place that we were in 10 years ago. We started a project… this time, a renovation on our house. But just like that god-damned ingrown toenail… it slowly dug deeper and deeper and began to take its toll on us.

It started with a simple request from me: “I want sliding doors so that it’s easier to get to the hot tub!” And thus, we opened Pandora’s Box. We discovered we had a foundation problem that was unlike most problems contractors face… we HAD no foundation. Like, ZERO. Our 100 year-old farmhouse was basically built on a few planks of wood and dirt, and was sinking.

So that was February. I was full tilt teaching/coaching and launching our new theatre company. In March the renos started, and with the busiest year of my life ahead, we lost our Family Room and access to upstairs. (You could say that this was the point of no return.) It wasn’t just the inside of the house either, it was outside. It was problem after problem and months of dirt and pounds of concrete poured. We couldn’t sleep in our bedroom, so we bought a trailer. I had no desk or office space to work at, so I sat in the trailer or at the kitchen table. I printed scripts on my kitchen counter next to where we made Veronica lunch. 3 dogs, 3 humans trying to stay civil while we dodged our way around one room full of boxes and bins and shelves and trunks… because every day we told ourselves we were “almost done”. SWOOSH SWISH STAB! Ingrown toenail for the win.

The kicker? I actually DID have a very painful ingrown toenail that everyone kept stepping on. Dogs, kid… I had to constantly say “BE MINDFUL OF MOMMY’S TOE!”( ---Or other choice words.)

 

All of a sudden it was July.

The living room closet was torn out and turns out there was mold and bugs and an old wasp nest and everything disgusting living in the ceiling. I was LOSING MY FREAKING MARBLES. The worst part was that my family life was completely reflecting the chaos. My patience was beyond shot. Even though I tried to keep it together because I was somewhat distracted and proud to be producing and performing in our company’s first show, I was dropping balls everywhere and my personal world was crumbling.

Oh. And remember that sweet little 6 year-old? Along the way she did cartwheels on the boards we had to walk on to get to our house. She hung from the bottom step of the stairs and pulled herself up when she couldn’t get to her room. She put her handprint in the cement. She painted a mural complete with a poo-emoji on the wall I gave her once the drywall was up. She found the fun and the humour in the situation, just when I was ready to tear the house down, walk away and give up on it all.

 

September/October/November.

                 

Another 3 insanely busy months for me. Artistically successful, I got to play a kick ass role in the musical No Chance in Hell and Musical Direct some great kids in Peter Pan. Ingrown toenail however? At the pinnacle of pain. As was our family process.

Moments of realization! Brad and I agreed that there were serious foundation problems (that were bigger than just the house.) We found some help and hired a team of various professionals to "fix" us. We had amazing people show up in our lives to pull it all together so that the house would be  ready before my family arrived mid-December for Christmas. 

December.

The hardwood floor was laid and stained, the crown moulding and trim were put up, the fireplace was installed and we got our marble floors and stone wall. Our contractor literally hammered in the last nail on the Friday before my brother and Dad arrived on Sunday. We hung a sheet to hide the tools in the closet, but who cares. The house is slowly coming together. 

It's funny, but as soon as you have other people working on your house, you breathe a little bit easier. If you've picked the right contractor, your house is in good hands. It may cost more money, but at the end of the day I'd rather have a functioning family that loves and respects one another over a resentful household that feels like they carry a constant weight on their shoulders. (Or toe, as the case may be.)

Happy 2017 to you all. 

 (Oh. Did I mention we're doing the kitchen in a few weeks? Sigh.....)

A tribute to my husband...

Note: (Originally posted on Facebook on Valentine's Day 2014. Posted here for my daughter to read when she is older.)

OK Apparently this is the 24 hours of "Nadia's Epic Posts." lol Feel free to tune out! BUT!!! I've been inspired. A friend did this for his wife and I don't think I ever really take the time to let my amazing husband know how loved he truly is. AHEM. 

Brad… 5 reasons why I love you.

1) You love me unabashedly. We've been through the best of the best and the worst, worst, WORST of times, and yet you still love me. I have changed shape, changed hair colour, changed likes and dislikes, changed careers, changed cities, changed focus, and yet through all the change YOU have been my constant.

2) You are the most amazing father to our daughter. I couldn't have picked a better partner to raise a child with. Not only do we agree on how to raise her and have like minded morals and hopes and dreams for her….. you love her completely. And she loves you back. I trust my daughter's judgement on people and she assures me you're a good one ;p She talks about you and draws you nonstop and looks forward to spending time with you whenever you have a day off.

3) You like to patio sit. As hard as you choose to work, you also like to play. You choose to unplug and allow yourself down time. You appreciate a sunny day, a cold beer and good company… and weirdly enough? You seem to think that your family is 'good company'.

4) You protect us. You've always taken it on to be the 'family man' and provide for us without complaint. Ever since our first date (almost 12 years ago!!) you've been competing with me about not only splitting the bill, but paying the bill. So much so, that nowadays you come home every Thursday and present me with your paycheque... like a prize you won. Like I deserve a 'reward' for all that I do at home, although it is YOU that is responsible for the wonderful life that we have.

5) (...and now that I'm on a roll, I seriously think I could come up with 50 more.)
BUT for #5? You show me your vulnerable side. (Yes Brad's oldest and sceptical friends. He does.) You show this to me through your kindness, compassion and love towards our pets, your loyalty to all of your / our friends and family, your ability to maintain an amazing relationship with your mother, your ever-growing-love and mutual respect/understanding with your father, your gracious love for my family and vice versa, your genuine investment in my Grandfather's stories, your compassion for a cause, your ability to jump onboard with anything I believe is worthwhile… and obviously, you show this to me E.V.E.R.Y single day when you kiss me 'goodbye' at 6am before you go to work, and again the second you get home. I've seen your vulnerability at the end of every argument and the beginning of every 'make up'. I love you.

Brad, you've shown me your true self over and over and over again throughout the past 10 years of marriage, and I wish you the happiest of February's :) As this is "Our Month" to reflect on our relationship (not just V-Day, but our 10 yr anniversary is coming up too) I love you and I can't wait to spend more time with you. Thank you for asking me to marry you oh so many years ago. And yes. I WILL move to a farm with you. xoxo

Harmony and balance in life and passion in art!

Note: (Originally posted on Facebook January 18, 2014. Posted here for my daughter to read in the future.)

Warning: Want an insight to my personal life over the past 10 years? If not, you may want to skip this post. AKA: Long. Ass. Update.

---- As I prep myself physically and mentally to move back to Ontario, I feel some pretty overwhelming things. Most of all is that I'm dying to get back on stage. It's where I belong. But I'm terrified.

It's so funny to me that since we've been back in Vancouver (2005) I've made some new & amazing friends... Friends who have NEVER seen me on a stage, or even heard me sing! That's absurd. It's been my heart and my life since I was 10.

I thought I'd come back to Vancouver to produce a show that would put me on the map. Although it was an amazing experience, and I love all that I learned, all it really did for my career was put us $60k in the hole & make us slaves to money. I was so naive to go with my gut instinct instead of listening to my parents' logic... It's just not the same supportive audience out here as in T.O. (Well, that- and I picked an 'unknown' show and too big of a venue.) Lesson learned.

So?? We moved back to Van, lived in my parents basement and my dad's office to pay off our debts. Brad became a bar manager at my family's hotel & I worked acting & singing at a place called 'Storyeum' and did background work. The whole situation ate our souls. So much so, that even though we finally moved into our own place, Brad & I split up. I got unhealthily skinny and thought that being "skinny" would give me a film/tv acting career... (Because it's not about talent, right?)

Fast forward to Nov 2006 when I lost my mom to Ovarian Cancer. I started to smoke & drink too much, I had no husband, no job, no money... and I stopped acting because it all hurt my heart too much. I was emotionally "unavailable".

In 2007 I finally got my sh*t together, mended my marriage with Brad, and landed a well paying job in film production as a Producer's Assistant- (my boss was pretty awesome BTW) - and eventually moved into script development. At least in production I got to be somewhat creative and didn't have to be vulnerable.

I did a few fun Pantos, and one deeply soul satisfying show with my BFFChantal (which we took to T.O. fringe) and then I got preggo. Suddenly it was 2010. Where was my Broadway career?? How did 10 years pass since graduating from theater school???

And here we are. I love being a mom. I love my husband. I love teaching fitness. I love where I'm at spiritually. I finally have the life experience that will allow me to sink my teeth into some pretty exciting roles. And I'm moving back to the place where I can have it all! So why am I so petrified? I have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain.

So I texted my dad.

He said: "Unnecessary and really unproductive. Fear is the most crippling emotion and the most difficult to overcome... It cannot be permitted! Strap on your armour, protect your SELF and prepare to do battle and win! You already know how... Just get in shape!"

And he's right.

It's time for me to own my life. And I'm so excited to see what happens next. I'm willing to put the same work and heart into my craft as I do my family (which says a lot). I've never known these feelings before so it's a lot to digest.... But I guess I'll just take it day by day.

Thanks for reading...

--"Harmony and balance in life and passion in art!" ~ Paul Hovan

Life on the "Farm"....

(Originally posted on Facebook August 19, 2014)

 Farm update: People keep asking me "HOW IS LIFE ON THE FARM??" & "Are you happy?" "How are you adjusting??" "You MUST miss the convenience of Yaletown." "Super different, hey??"... and the truth is?? I don't really know yet. It feels like a slightly smaller version of suburbia because you have to drive to all the big box stores which are 15ish mins away, but I did that in North Van. Here? (In Meaford) I could take my (new vintage!) cool bike to the local grocery store or liquor store or pharmacy, it just would take me about 20 mins there & back. But right now, I feel like I'm on a theater contract, or still on summer vacation... where I have to do yard work. We have all the same responsibilities that we did in Vancouver, but due to some smart choices (and sad circumstance), we don't need to work right now... So we get to have a LOT of family time.

This is obviously not a forever situation but it's a nice place to be in for now. Rural Ontario is MUCH cheaper than rural BC and we are only 2 hours outside of Toronto. (We go there at least 1ce/month). And we have visitors every week. Life is busy!

Veronica starts FULL TIME Junior Kindergarten in 2 weeks and life will be drastically different. I teach bootcamp 3 mornings/week (as a means of hanging out with my awesome sister in law Tanya) but will be starting more classes soon. I also plan to get back on stage acting ASAP. Brad might work but will likely run the house (because he's good at it!)

 So am I happy? Yes I'm happy. Have I adjusted to "farm life"? Ask me once I have actual farm animals. Do I miss Vancouver? Of course I do. I miss my family and friends.... but I don't miss $200 square watermelons and $6 avocados. I still have MOUNTAINS and WATER at my fingertips, amazingly fun new neighbours, 2 horses next door, 2 ridiculously annoying (but loving) dogs, a wonderful husband and the best kid on earth... so life is complete. I'm comfy and I'm home .

....now if only I could meet some new friends.

25 Randoms about Nadia...

Note: (Originally posted on Facebook, shared in October 2014 for her daughter Veronica when she's all grown up.)
 
February 3, 2009 

OK-- so I normally don't do this kind of thing... but I think this is kinda interesting.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

25 random things.... 

1. My full birth name is Nadia Amber-Lillian Hovan. 'Amber' was the color of my hair when I was born & Lillian was my great grand-mother... (It was apparently a toss up between "Nadia" , "Veronica" -but my mom didn't want anyone calling me 'Ronnie' like in the Archie comic books... (?!) & "Tabatha-Katz" so that my nickname could be Tabby-Katz... (??!!?) Yes, my parents were hippies.

2. I have a secret desire to be a Country singer... I don't even listen to country music but I love singing it.. at least in my car.. and my shower if my walls weren't so thin.. (I would change my stage name to "Amber-Lil' ")

3. As kids, my brother used to call me "Sha-sha" because my mom was always saying "Nadia-- SHUSH UP!!" (I've always liked talking.)

4. I have 2 webbed toes on each foot. (My 2nd & 3rd toe are linked to the first knuckle) creepy I know. But get over it.

5. My dad AND my grandfather were both adopted so I don't know much about my heritage... I also don't really care to know much about my 'blood' heritage as a result of it. ('Hovan' has nothing to do with my genes.)

6. My favorite color is red.

7. I lost my mom to ovarian cancer in Nov. 2006 and it sucked a lot. Now I'll never know if I can have kids.

8. I use my maiden name (Nadia Hovan) as my stage name & my married name (Nadia Mear) for everything legal. (Call me sentimental-- or schizo!)

9. I didn't have a boyfriend from the time I graduated from highschool until I met Brad at 22. I got engaged at 23, married at 24, separated at 26 and then "renewed" my vows at 27... it's been a busy decade. (We're happy now :)

10. I love love LOVE horses and horseback riding, but I made the choice at age 13 to be involved with choir, drama & school plays instead of boarding a horse. (I also chose drama over volleyball.)

11. Although my hair was amber when I was born, my natural hair color has turned more 'ashy blonde' as I age, so I constantly have to dye it red.

12. I don't have a favorite band... only favorite cast recordings.

13. I am terrified of needles almost as much as I am terrified of commitment. That is the reason I have a belly button ring, 5 holes in my ears and no tattoos.

14. My first 'role' was as a Dwarfette in "Snow White & the 7 Dwarfs (& Dwarfettes)" at Balmoral Jr Summer Drama... I was 10. (That was also where I was introduced to Les Miz & I was hooped forever.)

15. My favorite musical of all time is "Les Miz"... I cry from beginning to end every time I see it and can sing every word. (If I played Fantine in London or New York before I died my life would be complete.)

16. I've never been bitten by the travel bug because I always knew my work would take me there... (funny how I haven't been anywhere since my parents took me traveling, but it's coming I know!)

17. I like naming pets after food. (Pumpkin... Peanut... I wanted a cat named Pineapple even though I don't like cats..)

18. My favorite author is Ottawa writer Charles de Lint. I am currently in the process of optioning one of his books with the film company I work for & we are turning it into a feature film.

19. I don't go to church. I was raised Catholic, but at age 13 my mom gave me the choice to either continue going to church or to stop. I chose to stop because there was one Christmas when I was 11 where the priest told us all that if we "didn't read the bible every night we'd go to hell"... I couldn't believe anyone could ever buy into that crap.

20. I collect fairies... (and anything fairy related) just like my mom. This is why my theatre company is called Feisty Fairy Productions.

21. I have a hard time stopping. Anything. Shopping, cleaning, eating, drinking... I'm OCD that way.. 

22. I love Christmas. If it was Christmas all year round, it would make me so happy!

23. I used to want to own a ranch in Wales... now it can be in Maple, Ontario or Niagara-on-the-Lake... wherever. I just want to own a ranch. With lots and lots of dogs and as many stray dogs as I can house...

24. I want to start an indoor dog playground with beds and jumps and toys and crazy stuff like when you watch "Super Dogs". I think given Vancouver weather, it would be a hit.

25. I want more than anything for ghosts and psychics any anything supernatural to be real. I used to fantasize about my pegasus picking me up from school and taking me away from reality. (I suppose I like escapism.)

My Parents' Bed.

Note: (Originally posted on Feb 20, 2013 on Facebook... wanted to document it here for my daughter in the future.)

 My Parents' Bed.

When I was a little girl, I used to love to crawl into my parents' bed. It was this epic, overwhelming feeling of massive pillows and blankets and comfort and security... Plus? I was wrapped between two people who loved me immensely.

My parents' bed smelled amazing. I guess that's because it smelled like them. It's probably the same 'kid-smell thing' that you experience when you don't want your mom to wash your favorite bunny or blankie or bear (or whatever your favorite toy is.) My parents' bed is that "memory smell" for me.

It's funny. Apart from jumping on it and playing on it, I have no memory of cuddling in that bed with my brother (although I'm 100% certain we did as we are only 26 months apart) in MY world, it was only ever me and my parents alone in the bed... Snuggles coming from both sides.

I remember crawling into that bed when I was feeling sick (this ranges from 6 or 7 to 16-17...) and the bed literally MADE me feel better. (It ALSO gave me chocolate chip mint ice cream, Liptons cuppa soup and "Robin Hood Prince of Thieves"--wait that may have been my mom).

Skip to an (awful) decade later... I remember sleeping in that bed in & out for two weeks as I cried, hugged and reminisced with my mom and dad as we battled (and eventually lost) my mom's fight with ovarian cancer.

And lastly, I remember sleeping in that bed when I was pregnant with Veronica during the 2010 Olympics. I was lying in bed when I came down with the flu and Brad rushed me to Lions Gate Hospital for monitoring. I was fine, and I found comfort returning to the bed for some restful recovery.

It's an intuitive bed. It's a comfortable bed. It's a 'safe bed'. It may not hold magic, it may not cure cancer, but it calms children's nightmares. And it lets you know when something's wrong, even if it cannot heal you.

SO. When my daughter says to me last night (in tears) that it's "unfair" that Daddy and I get to sleep together in our room and she's sad 'cuz she has to sleep by her "lonesome" in her own bed, I get it.

So tonight, (as I often do), I put her down in our bed, and transferred her into her own room after she passed out. But tonight (which sparked this post) as she was falling asleep she comfortably tossed and turned and hugged the big pillows and sleepily said "I love cozy... (yawn) pillows." and something about "having room" and then she found a comfy spot and passed out as I tickled her back.

She made me think of the comfort of my parents' bed. She must feel the same way about ours. A parents' bed is a safe haven for children, full of love and trust and familiar smells. I guess it's my duty to make sure OUR bed has the same lifelong feelings and memories that my parents' bed has for me. I hope that means something for you.

Good night everyone, sweet dreams and remember to snuggle your child tight xo

I just might eat a damn sandwich.

So this photo has been circulating on a lot of my friend's Facebook pages this week, and it made me stop and think. I thought about it a lot. To the point where I finally (obviously) had to write about it. Because after said thinking, mostly I've decided... I am an awful, awful, AWFUL human being.

I'm awful because I looked at the photo, and knew that I 'should' share it... because that would be the 'right' thing to do. It sends a great message: "Love your body." "Embrace your natural assets." "Every woman is beautiful." "It's OK to eat a sandwich!" But I didn't. I didn't because it would have been hypocritical of me to post it. Because I, like this photo suggests, have been brainwashed enough to actually look at the top row of women in the picture with envy and jealousy instead of disgust. Because I've been 'taught' to believe that skinnier IS better. That curves and lumps and cellulite and soft-aging-bodies and saggy boobs = ugly. And that ripped, skinny, tight, taught, 14 year old boy-like bodies = sexy. (OK, even I will admit that Nicole Richie is just plain gross... but Kiera?? Cummon! Look at those abs!)

Maybe I think this way due to my years in theater school where you had to wear tight dance clothes in front of mirrors all day long, only to have teachers critique, nitpick and pigeon-hole you into some sort of physical 'type'. Or maybe it's from the 10 years of actually being out there IN the theater/film/tv world, performing, auditioning and competing against a room full of skinny bitches, knowing that it's simply the reality of "Showbiz". The superficial world where you actually have to LOOK a certain way. ACT a certain way. BE a certain way in order to get cast. If you can't handle it, you should consider leaving the industry to those who can.

Or maybe it all runs deeper.

Maybe it's a result of something my Mom said to me when I was 14. I was standing in front of my bedroom mirror and she walked in and had that really 'proud mom' look on her face and said: "You are so beautiful... Look at yourself in this mirror." (I naturally didn't see what she was talking about.) "Look at your figure... and how amazing clothes look on you. You are so lucky. I'm telling you to appreciate it because you will never look this way again..." Or maybe it was when I was 17 and she poked at my slightly thicker teenage thighs and said "Cellulite? Where did that come from?? I never had it." Or at 18 when she said "You're really not in the right 'shape' to wear that dress.." or at 26 when she said "I'm really glad you lost that weight... your arms were starting to look thick."

"Thick".

Thanks mom. (And I mean no disrespect, she was an amazing, amazing, AMAZINGLY loving and supportive mother.. rest her soul)
I just mean that WORDS MATTER. They stick. And every day, aware or not, we are force fed those skinny bitches in the picture above in movies, on TV and in magazines. We are constantly led to believe that happiness is a result of thinness. The Golden Globes were a perfect example of that this year... did anyone SEE Angelina Jolie's arms?! Super gross. But.. flip side? She gets to be married to Brad Pitt. Damn. You win Angelina. I am still jealous of you.

I'm hardest on myself. I know we all are. I bet I can tell you, show you, probably even draw you in pencil crayon every flaw on my body. (My husband after 10 years just humours me now)... Because not even at my most obsessive have I ever felt like I have done 'enough'. I've never been skinny 'enough'. Fit 'enough'. Cut 'enough'. Even when it got to the point where my friends and family were trying to stuff sandwiches down my throat so that I would gain a pound or two... I felt I had a ways to go.

It's funny to think about those times now. Especially after having a baby 21 months ago, (so was pregnant for almost 10 months before that.) That's 31 LONG months of baby! But ever since having my angel I haven't had the focus - (focus? drive? time? need? energy? meh.) to obsessively get back into the 'shape' that I have been in in the past. (Don't get me wrong, I still go to the gym all the time. I teach group fitness. I'm still obsessed, I just have other things to DO now than focus on myself!)

And especially since I leave for Cancun in 2 days. I know that I won't be the skinniest one in the bikini... that's an ego blast. I'll just the one who "looks pretty damn good for a mom". And you know what? Over these past few days, after thinking and thinking and looking and looking at that picture above, I'm trying to convince myself that that's OK. I actually looked at myself after my shower yesterday and thought... "Yeah. I can live with this body. And I think I can even rock a bikini (and not just the tankinis that I hide behind when I feel fat!)"

So I'm coming to terms with the fact that you don't have to look 14 in order to be beautiful. You may not have skinny arms. And you MIGHT just be normal if you are cursed with having CELLULITE!

And I make a conscious daily effort to call my daughter 'smart' as well as 'beautiful'. I tell her she's 'polite' and 'sweet' and 'nice' as often as I do 'pretty'... And every night I tell her how much I love her and that she makes me so happy and that she's the most important little person in my life. (sure I make fun of a few of her baby flaws, but that's just part of being a mom I think!)

And yeah, there was a time in my life when I was 20 pounds lighter and looked like my 14 year old self again, but MAN was I HUNGRY! And since Hollywood is not breaking down my door with a contract to star opposite Brad Pitt, I guess I'll just eat a damn sandwich. (But hold the bread... you know, just in case ;p)