Harmony and balance in life and passion in art!

Note: (Originally posted on Facebook January 18, 2014. Posted here for my daughter to read in the future.)

Warning: Want an insight to my personal life over the past 10 years? If not, you may want to skip this post. AKA: Long. Ass. Update.

---- As I prep myself physically and mentally to move back to Ontario, I feel some pretty overwhelming things. Most of all is that I'm dying to get back on stage. It's where I belong. But I'm terrified.

It's so funny to me that since we've been back in Vancouver (2005) I've made some new & amazing friends... Friends who have NEVER seen me on a stage, or even heard me sing! That's absurd. It's been my heart and my life since I was 10.

I thought I'd come back to Vancouver to produce a show that would put me on the map. Although it was an amazing experience, and I love all that I learned, all it really did for my career was put us $60k in the hole & make us slaves to money. I was so naive to go with my gut instinct instead of listening to my parents' logic... It's just not the same supportive audience out here as in T.O. (Well, that- and I picked an 'unknown' show and too big of a venue.) Lesson learned.

So?? We moved back to Van, lived in my parents basement and my dad's office to pay off our debts. Brad became a bar manager at my family's hotel & I worked acting & singing at a place called 'Storyeum' and did background work. The whole situation ate our souls. So much so, that even though we finally moved into our own place, Brad & I split up. I got unhealthily skinny and thought that being "skinny" would give me a film/tv acting career... (Because it's not about talent, right?)

Fast forward to Nov 2006 when I lost my mom to Ovarian Cancer. I started to smoke & drink too much, I had no husband, no job, no money... and I stopped acting because it all hurt my heart too much. I was emotionally "unavailable".

In 2007 I finally got my sh*t together, mended my marriage with Brad, and landed a well paying job in film production as a Producer's Assistant- (my boss was pretty awesome BTW) - and eventually moved into script development. At least in production I got to be somewhat creative and didn't have to be vulnerable.

I did a few fun Pantos, and one deeply soul satisfying show with my BFFChantal (which we took to T.O. fringe) and then I got preggo. Suddenly it was 2010. Where was my Broadway career?? How did 10 years pass since graduating from theater school???

And here we are. I love being a mom. I love my husband. I love teaching fitness. I love where I'm at spiritually. I finally have the life experience that will allow me to sink my teeth into some pretty exciting roles. And I'm moving back to the place where I can have it all! So why am I so petrified? I have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain.

So I texted my dad.

He said: "Unnecessary and really unproductive. Fear is the most crippling emotion and the most difficult to overcome... It cannot be permitted! Strap on your armour, protect your SELF and prepare to do battle and win! You already know how... Just get in shape!"

And he's right.

It's time for me to own my life. And I'm so excited to see what happens next. I'm willing to put the same work and heart into my craft as I do my family (which says a lot). I've never known these feelings before so it's a lot to digest.... But I guess I'll just take it day by day.

Thanks for reading...

--"Harmony and balance in life and passion in art!" ~ Paul Hovan