I just might eat a damn sandwich.

So this photo has been circulating on a lot of my friend's Facebook pages this week, and it made me stop and think. I thought about it a lot. To the point where I finally (obviously) had to write about it. Because after said thinking, mostly I've decided... I am an awful, awful, AWFUL human being.

I'm awful because I looked at the photo, and knew that I 'should' share it... because that would be the 'right' thing to do. It sends a great message: "Love your body." "Embrace your natural assets." "Every woman is beautiful." "It's OK to eat a sandwich!" But I didn't. I didn't because it would have been hypocritical of me to post it. Because I, like this photo suggests, have been brainwashed enough to actually look at the top row of women in the picture with envy and jealousy instead of disgust. Because I've been 'taught' to believe that skinnier IS better. That curves and lumps and cellulite and soft-aging-bodies and saggy boobs = ugly. And that ripped, skinny, tight, taught, 14 year old boy-like bodies = sexy. (OK, even I will admit that Nicole Richie is just plain gross... but Kiera?? Cummon! Look at those abs!)

Maybe I think this way due to my years in theater school where you had to wear tight dance clothes in front of mirrors all day long, only to have teachers critique, nitpick and pigeon-hole you into some sort of physical 'type'. Or maybe it's from the 10 years of actually being out there IN the theater/film/tv world, performing, auditioning and competing against a room full of skinny bitches, knowing that it's simply the reality of "Showbiz". The superficial world where you actually have to LOOK a certain way. ACT a certain way. BE a certain way in order to get cast. If you can't handle it, you should consider leaving the industry to those who can.

Or maybe it all runs deeper.

Maybe it's a result of something my Mom said to me when I was 14. I was standing in front of my bedroom mirror and she walked in and had that really 'proud mom' look on her face and said: "You are so beautiful... Look at yourself in this mirror." (I naturally didn't see what she was talking about.) "Look at your figure... and how amazing clothes look on you. You are so lucky. I'm telling you to appreciate it because you will never look this way again..." Or maybe it was when I was 17 and she poked at my slightly thicker teenage thighs and said "Cellulite? Where did that come from?? I never had it." Or at 18 when she said "You're really not in the right 'shape' to wear that dress.." or at 26 when she said "I'm really glad you lost that weight... your arms were starting to look thick."

"Thick".

Thanks mom. (And I mean no disrespect, she was an amazing, amazing, AMAZINGLY loving and supportive mother.. rest her soul)
I just mean that WORDS MATTER. They stick. And every day, aware or not, we are force fed those skinny bitches in the picture above in movies, on TV and in magazines. We are constantly led to believe that happiness is a result of thinness. The Golden Globes were a perfect example of that this year... did anyone SEE Angelina Jolie's arms?! Super gross. But.. flip side? She gets to be married to Brad Pitt. Damn. You win Angelina. I am still jealous of you.

I'm hardest on myself. I know we all are. I bet I can tell you, show you, probably even draw you in pencil crayon every flaw on my body. (My husband after 10 years just humours me now)... Because not even at my most obsessive have I ever felt like I have done 'enough'. I've never been skinny 'enough'. Fit 'enough'. Cut 'enough'. Even when it got to the point where my friends and family were trying to stuff sandwiches down my throat so that I would gain a pound or two... I felt I had a ways to go.

It's funny to think about those times now. Especially after having a baby 21 months ago, (so was pregnant for almost 10 months before that.) That's 31 LONG months of baby! But ever since having my angel I haven't had the focus - (focus? drive? time? need? energy? meh.) to obsessively get back into the 'shape' that I have been in in the past. (Don't get me wrong, I still go to the gym all the time. I teach group fitness. I'm still obsessed, I just have other things to DO now than focus on myself!)

And especially since I leave for Cancun in 2 days. I know that I won't be the skinniest one in the bikini... that's an ego blast. I'll just the one who "looks pretty damn good for a mom". And you know what? Over these past few days, after thinking and thinking and looking and looking at that picture above, I'm trying to convince myself that that's OK. I actually looked at myself after my shower yesterday and thought... "Yeah. I can live with this body. And I think I can even rock a bikini (and not just the tankinis that I hide behind when I feel fat!)"

So I'm coming to terms with the fact that you don't have to look 14 in order to be beautiful. You may not have skinny arms. And you MIGHT just be normal if you are cursed with having CELLULITE!

And I make a conscious daily effort to call my daughter 'smart' as well as 'beautiful'. I tell her she's 'polite' and 'sweet' and 'nice' as often as I do 'pretty'... And every night I tell her how much I love her and that she makes me so happy and that she's the most important little person in my life. (sure I make fun of a few of her baby flaws, but that's just part of being a mom I think!)

And yeah, there was a time in my life when I was 20 pounds lighter and looked like my 14 year old self again, but MAN was I HUNGRY! And since Hollywood is not breaking down my door with a contract to star opposite Brad Pitt, I guess I'll just eat a damn sandwich. (But hold the bread... you know, just in case ;p)